I really hate that I'm afraid of people. I really hate that I'm afraid of what people think. I hate how when I'm walking down the street and people look at me I get self conscious and nervous and scared. Even if they're looking at me because my clothes or my hair or because I in general look particularly nice, I get flustered and scared and all I want to do is hide some place where no one can look at me or find somewhere to check that I don't actually have something stuck to the back of my pants or a dread sticking out at a random angle. I hate how when I go into a shop and there are too many other people I start to get very warm and flustered and afraid and I feel like I'm being suffocated. And calling people, even sometimes people that I know on the phone? I can do it, but not without serious heart palpitations.

I don't even really like dancing all that much, but the other day I went to someone's 21st birthday party and a hall had been rented for it and the greater part of the evening was spent with everyone on the dance floor. And even though everyone else was dancing and some of them were making absolute and complete fools of themselves, I could hardly bring myself to move at all. No one was paying me any attention at all, but it felt like everyone was watching me, judging me. I stayed on the dance floor for a very, very short amount of time before I went and sat back down because I felt far too stupid and ridiculous dancing up there. It's kind of sad, but I was having far more fun just watching everyone else. When I was watching them I could enjoy things through them I suppose. When I was actually up there, all I wanted to do was sit back down so that no one would watch me.

I know my fear of people isn't anywhere as bad as it could be, but I still hate it. And please, if you leave comments, don't say things like, oh it's not really that bad, you can get over it, etc etc, because I'm tired of being told that. It's not a full blown phobia, but neither is it just a trivial fear, trust me. And don't leave comments of the well if you don't want to try to fix it then don't complain about it variety because that's not the point of this. I just needed to vent a bit.