gak. am heartbroken now. although i could kinda see it coming. and although Aaron still has feelings for me, he has found that that is not where his life needs to be right now. that he needs to get himself all good with God first and then once he's ready he can look to other things. you may not understand this and how another person can get in the way of walking with God, but it's alright, because i understand it. unfortunately for me it means that where before it would have been a natural thing for us to end up going out sometime in the future, now there is less of that feeling. at least in my mind there is less. because he is doing his best to ignore his feelings for me so that he can get everything else together and by the time he is ready for a girlfriend, there'll be no feelings for me anymore. and that is a very sad idea. oh boy. here i go. i'm actually crying. i never cry. ever. i suppose it's good to cry once in a while, to clear yourself of all the emotions that are causing you to cry, but does it really have to be so painful? i can't believe this. i'm actually crying. tears are actually rolling off my face. it's not just a welling up in the eyes kind of tear. it's great twin streaming rivers. and i hate the way emotion sneaks up on you. one minute you're fine and you think you might finally be getting better and then suddenly you see something, smell something, hear something or even think something and suddenly you are drowning in your own misery with no where to express it because you are surrounded by a crowd and you are too proud to break down and cry in the midst of it all.

still trying to find something to write about. i've already done a drama, a science fiction, a romance, my life story.... the only thing left would be either horror, but i'd like to be able to not worry about my feet so very far from my body all alone in the dark, or a mystery, but i'm absolute crap at those. besides, they're not my favourite genre. neither is science fiction i suppose, but well, it was a very good idea that one was. can't remember where i thought of it though. at any rate i'm rather stuck. i haven't been racking my brains for an idea either, but nothing has started forming as of yet. and i don't really want to pick up an old idea because of a few things. firstly because i started them so long ago, and my idea and writing style has changed then it would be very choppy when i picked up on it again. and if i didn't want it to be choppy i'd have to go back and re-work the entire beginning, which is long and frustrating and by the time you've finished that you've lost a lot of your original steam and then you write perhaps another 10 pages and then you stop once again and nothing comes of it... again. so i think a new idea is that way to go.

i had a rather unproductive day today. i actually slept until nearly 11 which is completely uncharacteristic of me. usually i'm up no later than about 9:30 or so. but i suppose my sleep need had been building up for a while. even though when i was with Aaron we never went to bed after 12:30. i hadn't been sleeping very well before that though. a bit of insomnia, which i usually have although not as bad as in the past. and then the first night i was at Aaron's house i woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep which is completely unlike me. usually in the wee hours of the morning is the only time that i can actually get to sleep in the normal amount of time it takes for someone to fall asleep. when i read that the average person takes 7 minutes to fall asleep i couldn't believe it. i never used to think that i had trouble falling asleep, but thinking back, i can't remember a time when it took me less than a half hour to fall asleep. i thought it took everyone that long to fall asleep. it was only when it started taking me over an hour to fall asleep that i thought i had trouble sleeping. and i'm the only person in my family that has this problem. Hal falls asleep in about 5 minutes or something ridiculous like that and my mum in about 3. i think too much is what it all comes down to. just cannot turn this brain of mine off.

i also have a bit of a journal type thing. and i was looking through it tonight and it actually starts in February of 2001 and i was amazed at how much things have changed since then. and not only situations, but myself as well. you never realize just how much different you are until you can go back and relive your own thoughts and feelings that were otherwise forgotten. most of me has changed somewhat. my outlook on life, my objectives and goals, myself.

i am going to have to write another book. and by write i mean get a wonderful plot going, write a fantastic first 30 pages and then stop and forget about it forever. which is what i usually do.

alright so boys are not quite as confusing now as they were two days ago. we've figured this all out. or at least enough to not drive me insane at any rate. so yes. we're all good.
and i'm terrified to be starting university. I'M NOT READY FOR THIS!!!!!! I CAN'T DO IT!!!!! I'M GOING TO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AND START TO CRY AND FALL ALL APART!!!!!!! *hyperventalating* oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear...... ok. slightly calmer now.
just got back from St. Albert. had quite a lovely time even though there was a lot of waiting involved. it rained pretty much the entire drive back home. which was unfotunate, but at least there were no tornadoes or floods or earthquakes or fires. there was an accident or something, but it was all cleaned up by the time we got around to it. we also did a lot of walking in St. Albert. a couple hours worth the one night. and for some reason my legs, both of them mind you, decided to die on me. it was odd. the inside of my hip joints both have developed arthritis it would appear, or something to that extent. they hurt so much. they're even stiff now, the day after. but i'll live i suppose. one should hope so anyway.

boys are so confusing.

well i am now in st. albert, and feeling a tad off. not sickness wise, but, well, personality wise. i have no idea why or what caused it, but we shall just say that i am confused. and unfortunately those are all the details you will be receiving at this time because even though i think only one person in the entire world reads this on a regular basis, i cannot divulge the true nature (or suspected nature) of my feelings. because i've only partially figured them out myself. perhaps later, once this whole mess has been sorted i shall enlighten you all.

pamplemousse pop is not very good...

i got a new piercing today! soooooooo cute! it's in my left ear and the technical name for it is a Helix. you can see a picture of one at http://www.bmezine.com/pierce/01-ear/A30730/high/iowepmsu.jpg if i knew how to do HTML i could possibly actually put the picture in here, but i don't so you'll just have to go and see it for yourself. the one i got (this isn't actually me by the way) is the one at the top, with the blue bead on it. i got it done at Adorned Precision Body Piercing on 17ave. (VERY good place to go!!! i very, very highly recommend it.) and i was actually surprised how little it hurt to get done. it was a little gross because i could hear the needle popping through all the layers of cartilige, but it really didn't hurt at all. most of my other piercings have been a sort of sharp needle-like pain, but this was just a sort of dull ache. AND IT'S SO CUTE!!! :> although, when i smile a certain way and when i open my mouth really wide, it makes my ears move, and so it kinda hurts it a bit. which is problem, because i smile.. a lot... but i don't care. i love it. and the guy that did my ear was very nice. he talked the whole time, i imagine to keep you calm, but it was almost phenominal how insanely calm his voice was. almost annoying actually.. that he could be shoving a needle through my ear and talk about it so calmly. but hey, that's better than him spluttering nervously and then saying oops very quietly.... something you NEVER want to hear in situations involving you and needles... or haircuts...

Awin where are you? i haven't talked to him for DAYS! ok, well, a day and a half... but still!! :< sniff sniff sob sob

i have come to the conclusion that i am not normal. alright, so i came to that conclusion a while ago, but this is in a different field. you see, now that all my friends are moving away and going to university in different places, i won't get to see a lot of them, well, ever almost. but this doesn't make me sad. i saw victoria today because she is leaving on friday, and i saw scooby too. he's going away to texas. and even though i know that i won't see either of them very often, i didn't really mind that prospect. i'm not sure why. i guess i'm just not a people person or something. i suppose i should explain this better. so i will miss seeing the people that have moved away, but it doesn't seem to bother me that i won't get to see them, even though i'll miss them. i don't know. it's sorta like, i'll miss talking to them and whatnot, but i really won't miss them. it's odd. perhaps eventually this will change, but for now, it doesn't bother me at all. although it does sorta bother me that it doesn't bother me (follow?). i would make a lovely hermit i have decided. perhaps that it why i like the country better than the city. although there is one exception to this not missing anyone business. i do miss Aaron, but then that's a bit different i suppose.
i have been sampling the tortelini. i shall be HIGH AS A KITE! oh dear.
i don't want to go to school. i really don't. i think i quit. right now. pretend i'm 18 and give me a lottery ticket so i can retire as a millionaire hermit living somewhere in scotland. with a really nice car... so i'll be a modern hermit then. with internet of course... but no tv. i can do without tv. oooooh, but not movies... hmmm... perhaps i shall just be a spinster then..

oh man! just had a crazy evening with caitlin. so we were going to go and buy silver fabric markers and write on black pants with them. or at least i was. she may have just been planing on using a sharpie and blue jeans. at any rate, it got to be too late to go to Michael's because they would have been closed, so we decided to clean crash landing (the room above my garage) instead. because that's where we were going to decorate our pants the next day you see. so we get up there and we've got the music just blaring and we're trying madly to store boxes behind some very nasty purple curtains put up in order to disguise the fact that we've got a bunch of nasty boxes stacked there. i was having troubles with one box in particular because just when you thought it was nicely (yet precariously) balanced, it would fall down. after much restacking and reorganizing i finally got it to stay. then we had to find places for several other various bits of discarded furniture. namely a very nasty stool and a bean chair (a.k.a. kitty litter box, which was why it was up there in the first place and not in my room). so we finally get everything stowed away and not moving (falling down and tumbling about our ears.. THESE WERE BIG BOXES OK?! and it is NOT just because i'm nearly a midget!...) so we danced about for a bit. it was great fun. dreads are wonderful fun to headbang with. until you get dizzy of course and risk falling over. which would NOT have been good because we haven't vacuumed yet and the floor is still a little dusty. ok so it's a lot dusty. ok so there are mounds of dust and cobwebs and dead bugs in the corners... BUT OTHER THAN THAT IT'S SPOTLESS!!! SPOTLESS!!!! anyway, so we're dancing around like great fools (which we are) when on a bit of a break i thought something smelled of barbeque.
"What's burning?" i asked. cait looked over and noticed that the big stand up light was smoking. (not generally a good thing when concerned with electrical appliances..) turns out there was a rather juicy (or what USED to be a rather juicy) fly who had been sitting on the metal under the light and once the metal had gotten hot enough had started to BBQ itself. (it actually smelled like chicken, which may have put cait off it for a while..) fortunately with the light off, nothing set itself alight. unfortunately it was a little dark in there afterwards. but we were done cleaning anyway. and i suppose not continuing our wild dancing was probably a good thing. although it did bring my blood sugar down a good notch. it's been insanely high lately. which i can't understand because i've even changed the ratio. so i think the insulin might have been cooked. we shall have to see.

ROADTRIP!!!!!!!! i talked to melissa and rochelle today and we've gotten dates finalized! or at least semi-finalized dates. although we'll have to leave a day later than planned because Aaron won't be home on the 23rd. but that's alright. although this way we won't get to go to church with him, which is sad, but we'll live.
i think i am going to get him to teach me how to play drums when i am there. although i will probably only last a couple minutes because i will be terrible at it. but we shall see. perhaps i'm a drum genious just waiting for a set of drums to amaze the world with. :> or i will simply make a whole lot of uncoordinated noise. which is the more likely outcome of the two. hurrah! he has just agreed to teach me something on drums! that is, if he still has all of his. he's trying to sell them. so he can get nicer ones. playing drums would be so much fun. although whenever i go somewhere that has them, i don't want to because EVERYONE can hear you, and i sound terrible....
caitlin has had a WONDERFUL idea. to get an old pair of pants, and write poems on them with a sharpie marker. i'm gonna do this to a pair of black pants that i have that i NEVER wear. i would do it to the ones that i do actually wear, or will start to wear once it's not so BOODY HOT outside, but then if i don't like them after a while, i'm rather screwed.... and i've only got one pair of black pants, not including the ones that i'm going to write on (you follow?). i think i'll just take both with me, and then if i really like the way it's looking i'll write on both, or stop writing on the first and start on the second. although, if i were to have writing on both pairs, and i needed to wear just some plain black pants, i would be in a bit of a pickle.... but we shall just have to see. and i can always draw on my second pair later on if i so choose.
GOING TO GO SEE AARON SOON!!!!!!!!!! HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY!!!! TRA LA LA LA LA.......
phantom is still missing. poo.
i don't wanna start school. neurg. sigh. poo. crap. arg and so forth.

arg. i'm in a bad mood and i really don't know why. and hali is definitely NOT doing anything to make that better. it rained all day. and smelled like smoke. perhaps that's it.
i have just put 2 Eve 6 cd's on hold. because they're good. cait has found her theme song on their new cd. at least we're dreaming. i will have to listen to it once it comes in.
well i believe i will be going back to bed now. that's the only place where i can't terrify anyone in my awful mood except for myself. and i seem to be immune.

i have just noticed that if you try to read my archived blogs, that none of them work, except for the ones from march... only that they go to the other bridget jones's diary page still... i'm assuming it's archive from march.. quite odd indeed... so it is my recommendation that you just don't bother trying to read the really old ones anyway.

on another note, i think i may have figured out this whole road trip business. so i believe we may be leaving on the 23rd and coming back the 29th or so. perhaps the 28th. which i think means i'll miss the fireworks competition, which is very sad, but what can you do? absolutely nothing because we don't have a video camera. perhaps i shall get someone else to tape it. or something. i don't know. either way I GET TO SEE AARON SOON!!!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!! :>

and on another note, again, phantom still has not returned. dork cat. that is what he will forever be known as... the dork cat.

hurrah! it has been switched! wonderful and excellent. the old one is still there though. it's odd though.. when i switch back and forth between addresses, whatever i write just goes to the one, it's not shared, but all of my old posts are on both. ah well. at least this way i don't have to review everything that i've put down. which is good. because i probably wouldn't anyway and then you would all be much more lost than usual.

so it would seem that i have successfully moved the stupid thing, but it would also seem that old posts stay on the one page. so i am writing this and hoping that it will send to the right address just to tell you all that this blog has moved. it is no longer her at all anymore so you will never learn anything new by going here. over and out.

or perhaps not.... for a while there, the new address i'd picked seemed to take me to a Bridget Jones's Diary page with quotes from the movie..

oh my... now my blog seems to go to a different one.. although i'm not sure where the posts go... i shall have to see..

hmmmmmmmm. i tried changing the address on this thing, but it didn't seem to tell the rest of the blogger web site about it. because it was still at the old address... not sure if it just needs a bit more time or what... will have to try again later i suppose.
i returned bottles today. made 40.80$ off them. there was a LOT of beer cans. which is nice because they're 10 cents each. but they were all rather gross and sticky. which wasn't quite so lovely. i also had to split the money with my sister, but still. 20.40$ is not bad at all for bottles!

i miss Aaron.

still working on coming up with a new address for this puppy. so far i've only got one person who seems to want to continue reading this. and i know there should be AT LEAST two, so get on it people. this won't be here much longer. not even this message will be here anymore because when i choose a new address everything, and i mean everything, will be moving. i think i shall give you a week. unless i forget once a week is up. in that case you will have longer to get your act together.

well i bought Aaron his birthday present today. it's a lovely little stuffed penguin. you see, he likes penguins. and so i thought that i would get him one. it's too bad he doesn't like bears best... penguins are hard to find!!!!!! there was only one place that had one (the last place i went to, obviously....) and there was only ONE IN THE ENTIRE STORE. but it's a cute one so it's all good. now i just have to remember to mail that thing on time..... oh dear. this could be tricky.....

well i'm back in calgary and rather sad to be so. :< i miss Aaron. yes i KNOW i saw him like 3 hours ago.... i still miss him. i must talk to rochelle soon and see when we are going back there! :>
i must remember to mail his birthday card. there is nothing worse than a late birthday card. unless of course you get them a belated card. but cards that are supposed to be on time but are late are just terrible and sad. and we mustn't have that. nono we mustn't. :>

i have decided that i have told too many people about this blog and so i am making cutbacks. i will shortly be moving my blog to a different address and not everyone is going to know where it is anymore. so if you would very much like to continue reading my mindless ramblings, leave me a comment and i will tell you where the new address will be. i may actually decide in the end to just leave it, but we'll see. i think i would rather not have too, too many people that i'll actually see again know just exactly what is going on in my life. it's almost a little scary. because, well. it just is.

ALRIGHT. ACK! CAPS! HOW DID THAT GET ON? there. ok. once again... alright. so i asked him if we were going out or not. (that took me the better part of a half hour to FINALLY ask him.) anyway. so yes. we're not actually technically going out. yet. i imagine we will one day, but for now we're not.
i put his mohawk into dreads. hehhehe. it looks quite lovely actually. i rather enjoy it. :>
you know, it's almost a good thing i'm going home today (i decided to stay the extra night because there was supposed to have been a HUGE storm that i didn't really want to be driving home through. then it never happened. but oh well. i still got to stay the extra night. :> anyway, back to what i was saying. it's almost a good thing that i'm going home today because when we're together we stay up REALLY late. well, really late for me because i usually go to bed around 10. i don't think we've gone to bed earlier than about 1am every day that we've been together. well, that's not true. the first night that he was over at my house i think we went to bed before midnight, but at any rate. and then me not being able to sleep in at all makes for a rather tired type day. so now that i'll be going home i might actually get a little more sleep. provided i don't stay up until 2am talking to him on msn... which i may just do actually.. although, not every night.
i'm going to miss him so much. :< but he is coming back out to calgary in like a week with his sister and then rochelle, melissa and i are still taking our roadtrip out here. so that's good! :> at least, i think we're still taking our roadtrip out here... i shall have to ask her i think.
hmmmm. i'm worried that when i go back home he'll find someone else. someone else that he likes just as much as me, but that lives less than 300km away. but then, he might think the same thing about me too. which is certainly NOT going to happen because nobody ever likes Erin. well.. except for Aaron i suppose... :>
well, i'd better dash.

well phantom has still not returned, but now we have 2 new cats. you see, the neighbours (yes we DO actually have neighbours... well... one house....) found two little kittens so we're taking care of them right now. hali says that the neighbours will most likely keep one of them, but that we'll get the other one. now all we need is for phantom to come back so that we can have three cats!!! my mum just keeps losing this battle... she never wanted more than one and right now we've got 3. hahahhahaha......

i'm still in st. albert although i think i will be leaving tomorrow. i'm not sure just yet, but i think that's what's going to happen. i still have no idea if we're going out or not. and i still haven't asked. which is unfortunate. because if i had, then i wouldn't be confused. oy. tonight i'm just gonna ask. and then if for some strange and bizarre reason he decides that he doesn't like me or something (IT COULD HAPPEN) then i'm leaving tomorrow anyway. so either way it works quite nicely.

i SWAMPED him in you don't know jack today.... hehehehehe.... :>

so Aaron came over last Monday and stayed until Wednesday. i had so much fun with him!! :> we went to calaway park, and adorned (piercing shop on 17th ave. a very nice one too and he visited with the guy that pierced his conch a while ago) and in general just sorta bummed about. we did go stargazing each night on my trampoline. one night we stayed out there until 3:30 AM. it was rather cold. just shortly after Aaron got here on Monday, Kyle phoned and when he learned that Aaron was a guy and that he was over he told me not to do anything he wouldn't (which leaves absolutely everything open) but we're not like that. we're not even going out (yes vic that's correct, we're NOT actually going out. although he did hold my hand... so actually i'm not 100% sure.. should clarify that... although that would be a bit awkward... so Aaron, are we going out?? ummmm..... no.... oh! hahahaha.........) anyway, so Tuesday comes and we're at calaway and we realized that he would be leaving the next day. and that the visit was definitly not long enough, so then we also decided that i should just drive him back up to st. albert and then stay with him for a while. which is exactly what we did. so here i am in st. albert. :> right now Aaron is working which sucks because, well, he's working, but then i can type all this whatnot. i haven't given him the address for this yet. not sure if i will.. because then.. well... yes. you know. i can be kinda scary in these things. i can be kinda scary normally, but well. yes. we shall see.
i'm not really sure how long i'm staying here for... at least i don't have anything planned in august. well, there's a youth sunday coming up that i'll be in i suppose, so i will have to be back for that, although that's on the 17th or whatever day that is. it's the sunday after this next one. so i'll definitely be back for that anyway. and then i think that Aaron's hitching a ride down to calgary with his sister shortly after i leave here (st. albert) and then rochelle and melissa and i are going back up to st. albert (ROAD TRIP!!!) and then they (and possibly me) will be going on to Edson to visit their friend Trent. although perhaps i will just stay with Aaron. that could also work. hmmmm. my summer has involved a lot of driving it would seem... up to SYC, back, st. albert, back, st. albert, possibly edson, back. wow. hmmmmmmm. i wonder... it might work for Aaron to come down, then for melissa and rochelle and i to just take him back up with us. hmmm indeed....
i bought a new tongue ring today. well, i'm only using the balls on it because the post is HUGE and i wouldn't be able to close my mouth i don't think. and these new balls are bigger than my old ones, so it feels odd. but they're so pretty! :>
i think i may have to play some "you don't know jack" soon.
i'm listening to "the cat came back" by fred penner. hehehehehehe........

phantom is still missing. although my whole attitude towards this has changed. at first i was very worried about him becoming part of the lower end of the foodchain, but now, i dunno. i'm almost amused with the whole thing. it's odd. cause i miss him, but i'm almost amused at his being gone. sort of like he is a silly little kid who just hasn't realized how good he's actually got it. like when you're 5 and you "run away" and your parents think it's hilarious.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaron is visiting me! well, not RIGHT NOW THIS MINUTE, but he's coming either sunday or monday and staying until either tuesday or wednesday. hurrah hurrah!!! SOOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!! AND I DON'T CARE HOW BADLY ANYONE TEASES ME! i just want to see him again. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! TRA LA LA LA LA....

there has been a phantom sighting!! someone from Anatapi saw him prancing along through the grass (sure sounds like him anyway....) and so hal and mum went looking for him, but they didn't find him. i sure hope he comes home soon. :<